Toilet Seat Up or Down?

Do you ever have domestic disputes about the toilet seat being left up or down? After 15 years of living with a Mediterranean man who very often chooses to sit this was a dispute long ago resolved and since forgotten in our little household. Until, the landlord arrived with his somewhat brash Canadian father for an impromptu inspection, and a request we had made fieve months earlier to have the toilet seat replaced was mentioned. 'Oh yes, that would be great' we chimed in.

The pair tottered off to the local hardware store returning with what appeared to be a standard, white toilet seat in pristine condition. The two men did their hardy thing and were soon on their way, with a cheerio and thanks from us.

Shortly afterwards it was time to test the new seat and only then did I discover the 'instruction' sheet they had kindly left on the toilet seat cover. Now I hear you thinking - how tricky can a toilet seat be to use. You put it up, you put it down.

Oh no, this one has been specially designed for males, especially the obese (an image of the landlord's Canadian father flashes through my mind), and housewives and cleaners who will 'appreciate not seeing a messy and unsanitary seat when performing their everyday bathroom chores'.....I wonder to myself how many housewives and cleaners the pair imagined wandered through our bathroom on a daily basis performing chores? I might give it a once over on a fortnightly basis so it remains a mystery to me.

The thing is, this toilet seat is designed so that the seat itself pops into an upright position if the lid is lifted. It has suction caps underneath that grip to the bowl for about ten seconds if you press down on the lid and seat...but as any woman knows by the time you get your belt undone, your jeans and knickers down it is very likely that ten seconds has passed and you find yourself sinking into the bowl. Or as you turn your back and struggle with a zip, stockings or a pair of those secret suck-it-in grandma undies there is no way you can be seated before the springs kick into action and flip the seat up.

And as if to add insult to injury when you do finish and resume the standing position the seat pops up, joining the lid in a salute as though taking the piss (pardon the pun) that you are disadvantaged by your need to sit down on the job. So, now I am constantly on my guard, ready for the seat to float up before my bottom heads south, or putting the toilet seat cover down so as to avoid the ghastly sight of both appendages being raised.

I put it down to the fact that two men went out to buy something as mundane as a new toilet seat and came back with a contraption that really didn't need to be invented.