13th April 2006, Napoli
Yesterday was another day of intensity and high drama. I feel like I’m living in the middle of an opera; there is someone down in the pit conducting the orchestra who are mostly sitting in the dark. There is a fat lady standing behind the curtains ready for her moment in the spotlight, at the same time hoping to avoid the fuss and attention. The tenor is already on stage, dressed in his military outfit, his face stern but his eyes are expressing every emotion as the music weaves its way up into the highest balcony. The audience have paid a high price for their tickets and are keen critics but at the same time they are here for the ride, expecting it to be emotional, turbulent and intoxicating. However, the performance is inevitably loaded with tragedy, comedy and passion and the audience are never fully prepared for the anxiety, poignancy and beauty as the story, song and music touches their very souls.
Let me explain. We’ve had two days of family explosions. There is a lot going on in this little apartment with four people who are very different.
It’s become very apparent to me that Gigi (and me by default) is almost a complete stranger to his mother and sister. In fact the personal changes that he has been through over the past five years have sometimes left me struggling to keep up, so it’s natural that the image they have of Gigi is completely out of alignment with the reality standing before them. However the same can be said for both his mother and sister. They are not the people he thinks he knows. They are a bit older, a little more jaded, a little less optimistic and perhaps a little resentful of the opportunities that he has managed to create for himself. I’m sure most of Naples thinks Gigi is just the luckiest son of a gun. They don’t see the hard work, the study, the compromise, budgeting, goal setting and planning. His family certainly don’t understand our relationship. But last night, after several hours of arguing, and then tough love talking we have started to find some understanding.
Yesterday we went to look at another apartment, and after several hours of driving around lost (something his mother does regularly, long story) and then Gi and Irene having a big argument in the back of the car we arrived back at the house with Gi proposing we just pack up and leave. Give up and walk away. However, I’m starting to think that we are in Naples to provide support to his family. I’m also pretty sure it’s going to be a frustrating, confronting and sometimes heart breaking journey but it seems that it’s time. After a lot of talking last night about working (or not), the impossibility of accomplishing anything in Naples (which is certainly true if you choose to believe it), money and whether or not they really want us to stay and help (without judging and lecturing) Irene brings out a piece of paper which encapsulates her dream. She’s spoken about it before and in fact some years ago we offered to host her in Australia to study English and then study fashion design as an international student. The desire to study fashion design is still there, and she’s found a course she wants to do that requires a monthly fee of Euro 200. The problem is that she hasn’t spoken plainly with her mother about it. Rosa thinks she needs to find Euro 3000 up front, and that’s just not feasible. Irene has also received promises from her father that he was going to go to the college and pay for her enrolment and tuition. Each year in September she calls the school only to find she’s not enrolled.
I’m jumping out of my skin. She has the motivation, the intelligence and her health and the only thing getting in the way is the money. In my opinion the money is the easiest thing to find. So, I’ve proposed to her that in September I’m going to start teaching English as part time work and she’s going to start to study.
If we are going to live together I’m going to have to impose some of my culture and upbringing on them by introducing a budget. Rosa is not a very good money manager. Irene has agreed that she needs to work more than one night a week, and that she won’t be able to afford to spend Euro 100 on a pair of sneakers or jeans if she’s studying. They all recognise that by sharing an apartment we can save on rent and utilities. But I know that adjusting spending habits of a lifetime is a painful process.
Last night’s heated and emotional discussions reminded me of something I learnt while volunteering with AFS multicultural exchange programs. Assumptions are dangerous. And just because you are ‘family’ doesn’t mean that you know anything about the person sitting across from you at the dinner table. I’m disappointed to say that Gi and I had made assumptions about his family in their lifestyle choices and habits, only too have some of those assumptions float out the window last night as they explained the changes they made in preparation for our arrival. And the subsequent adjustments and compromises they’ve made since we’ve been here. And like the world of AFS exchange students it’s always the little things e.g. where things go in the pantry, what we watch on TV, what time someone gets up, food disappearing from the fridge, someone turning on the heating when someone else opens the doors for fresh air, clutter, someone moving the clutter….
Nonetheless it’s a fascinating opera that I’m living in. Gigi keeps saying he’d rather live in Naples with it’s drama, tragedy and comedy, highs and lows, where the people live precariously on the edge than in the north where things are orderly, calm and sometimes deathly quiet. So, having made the decision we find ourselves not only looking for a house, finalising bureaucratic processes for work and residency, considering buying a car, quietly planning some weekend getaways but also counselling those with whom we share space, and each other, working towards a goal that we can’t yet fully articulate but aware that it’s there regardless. I guess the trick will be making sure that we don’t find ourselves in a soap opera.
Yesterday was another day of intensity and high drama. I feel like I’m living in the middle of an opera; there is someone down in the pit conducting the orchestra who are mostly sitting in the dark. There is a fat lady standing behind the curtains ready for her moment in the spotlight, at the same time hoping to avoid the fuss and attention. The tenor is already on stage, dressed in his military outfit, his face stern but his eyes are expressing every emotion as the music weaves its way up into the highest balcony. The audience have paid a high price for their tickets and are keen critics but at the same time they are here for the ride, expecting it to be emotional, turbulent and intoxicating. However, the performance is inevitably loaded with tragedy, comedy and passion and the audience are never fully prepared for the anxiety, poignancy and beauty as the story, song and music touches their very souls.
Let me explain. We’ve had two days of family explosions. There is a lot going on in this little apartment with four people who are very different.
It’s become very apparent to me that Gigi (and me by default) is almost a complete stranger to his mother and sister. In fact the personal changes that he has been through over the past five years have sometimes left me struggling to keep up, so it’s natural that the image they have of Gigi is completely out of alignment with the reality standing before them. However the same can be said for both his mother and sister. They are not the people he thinks he knows. They are a bit older, a little more jaded, a little less optimistic and perhaps a little resentful of the opportunities that he has managed to create for himself. I’m sure most of Naples thinks Gigi is just the luckiest son of a gun. They don’t see the hard work, the study, the compromise, budgeting, goal setting and planning. His family certainly don’t understand our relationship. But last night, after several hours of arguing, and then tough love talking we have started to find some understanding.
Yesterday we went to look at another apartment, and after several hours of driving around lost (something his mother does regularly, long story) and then Gi and Irene having a big argument in the back of the car we arrived back at the house with Gi proposing we just pack up and leave. Give up and walk away. However, I’m starting to think that we are in Naples to provide support to his family. I’m also pretty sure it’s going to be a frustrating, confronting and sometimes heart breaking journey but it seems that it’s time. After a lot of talking last night about working (or not), the impossibility of accomplishing anything in Naples (which is certainly true if you choose to believe it), money and whether or not they really want us to stay and help (without judging and lecturing) Irene brings out a piece of paper which encapsulates her dream. She’s spoken about it before and in fact some years ago we offered to host her in Australia to study English and then study fashion design as an international student. The desire to study fashion design is still there, and she’s found a course she wants to do that requires a monthly fee of Euro 200. The problem is that she hasn’t spoken plainly with her mother about it. Rosa thinks she needs to find Euro 3000 up front, and that’s just not feasible. Irene has also received promises from her father that he was going to go to the college and pay for her enrolment and tuition. Each year in September she calls the school only to find she’s not enrolled.
I’m jumping out of my skin. She has the motivation, the intelligence and her health and the only thing getting in the way is the money. In my opinion the money is the easiest thing to find. So, I’ve proposed to her that in September I’m going to start teaching English as part time work and she’s going to start to study.
If we are going to live together I’m going to have to impose some of my culture and upbringing on them by introducing a budget. Rosa is not a very good money manager. Irene has agreed that she needs to work more than one night a week, and that she won’t be able to afford to spend Euro 100 on a pair of sneakers or jeans if she’s studying. They all recognise that by sharing an apartment we can save on rent and utilities. But I know that adjusting spending habits of a lifetime is a painful process.
Last night’s heated and emotional discussions reminded me of something I learnt while volunteering with AFS multicultural exchange programs. Assumptions are dangerous. And just because you are ‘family’ doesn’t mean that you know anything about the person sitting across from you at the dinner table. I’m disappointed to say that Gi and I had made assumptions about his family in their lifestyle choices and habits, only too have some of those assumptions float out the window last night as they explained the changes they made in preparation for our arrival. And the subsequent adjustments and compromises they’ve made since we’ve been here. And like the world of AFS exchange students it’s always the little things e.g. where things go in the pantry, what we watch on TV, what time someone gets up, food disappearing from the fridge, someone turning on the heating when someone else opens the doors for fresh air, clutter, someone moving the clutter….
Nonetheless it’s a fascinating opera that I’m living in. Gigi keeps saying he’d rather live in Naples with it’s drama, tragedy and comedy, highs and lows, where the people live precariously on the edge than in the north where things are orderly, calm and sometimes deathly quiet. So, having made the decision we find ourselves not only looking for a house, finalising bureaucratic processes for work and residency, considering buying a car, quietly planning some weekend getaways but also counselling those with whom we share space, and each other, working towards a goal that we can’t yet fully articulate but aware that it’s there regardless. I guess the trick will be making sure that we don’t find ourselves in a soap opera.
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